I’m currently reading a book called All These Wonders, which is a collection of transcripts from The Moth podcast. The idea behind The Moth, which began as a sort of curated open mic event, is that people with interesting stories to tell stand up in front of a live audience and speak for about fifteen to twenty minutes.
Louis C.K. has a piece in the collection in which he talks about taking a break from television writing to visit Russia in 1994. At the beginning of the story, he says that, he used to love reading Russian literature when he was a kid, and that he would open the window while he read so that he could feel cold like the characters did. This is such a lovely idea that I almost forgot what a piece of human garbage Louis C.K. is.
I was never a big fan of Louis C.K., but I was casually invested enough in his career to go see one of his live shows, which I think displays a certain level of commitment – especially from someone like me who would rather play video games than leave the house for any reason. I never thought his signature jokes about masturbation were funny, but I always figured that, you know, he’s a male stand-up comedian, and at least he wasn’t making jokes about rape.
When the #MeToo movement gave several women the immense courage it must have taken to come forward and say that he did what he did, though, I wasn’t surprised. With a lot of the men who got called out in the conversations surrounding the #MeToo hashtag on Twitter, I think we all always sort of knew that there was something weird going on.
I say this not only about public figures who got called out but also people in my own life. I was included in a number of Facebook group conversations that were started for women (and a few men and nonbinary people) to share their bad experiences with mutual male acquaintances; and, while I was extremely upset to hear about what my friends had had to suffer through, nothing I learned came as a surprise. We all knew that these men were rude and condescending and a bit creepy, but we had never had anything to point to and say, “This is why I can no longer tolerate your behavior.”
My circle of connections has never been that wide, but I still ended up cutting all ties with about a dozen men, and I regret nothing. There has been so much less noise in my life since then, and I’m much happier.
What does hurt me is cutting ties with the women who stood up to defend these men. If I’m being honest, though, I always knew that there was something a bit off about these women as well, but again, I never had something concrete that I could point to and say “this is why we can’t be friends.” It’s one thing, for example, if a female colleague has been consistently rude and condescending to me. It’s another thing entirely if she’s presented with a wall of undergraduate comments on the website Rate My Professors that all say that a male professor sexually harasses his female students, and she responds by saying, “Kids just use that website to say mean things about instructors they don’t like, and all of those girls are lying.”
Or rather, I say these two attitudes are two separate things, but are they really? After all, you don’t need to have a penis to be affected by our culture’s insistence that women are less worthy of empathy and respect than men.
In any case, my life looks radically different now than it did last October, and four months later I’m still trying to process what happened and how I personally can continue moving forward.
To return to the Louis C.K. story, his punchline is that, no matter how bad his life in New York seemed, at least he didn’t live in Moscow. Because Russia sucks, I guess? What an asshole. In retrospect, maybe it’s better that there’s now less of his bullshit in the world.
( Header image by Melanie Westfall )