“Sorry about your ass.”

A lot of the dialog in the Final Fantasy VII remake is not well written. It’s like someone turned the original game into a weird cringe comedy, and the game itself is the cringe.

A good example of this is the character Wedge, who is fat. We know he’s fat because that’s (almost) his entire character. Just in case we forget, there’s at least one fat joke every time he’s onscreen.

During the game’s second trip above the plate, Jessie takes Cloud, Biggs, and Wedge to her house in Sector 7 so that Cloud can appropriate her father’s Shinra employee badge while Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge distract her mother. The “nice” suburbs of Sector 7 are soulless and awful, and it turns out that Jessie’s father is in a coma after coming down with mako poisoning. The fact that this easily preventable accident was caused by corporate greed and mismanagement convinced Jessie to give up her dream to become an actress and join Avalanche, but the situation with her father is so dire that she’s been lying to her mother to keep her from worrying.

This should be a powerful and sobering moment in the game, but the atmosphere is broken by jokes about how Wedge wants more pizza and hasn’t had enough chips. Because, you know, he’s fat. Aren’t fat people hilarious? It’s too bad Jessie’s father is in a coma, but at least he’s not fat! Ha ha ha!!

I put the game down every time there’s a line that physically hurts me, so I haven’t been making much progress.

Final Fantasy VII Remake

Well friends, I did not like the combat in Final Fantasy XV, and I did not like the combat in Nier Automata, and lo and behold, I do not like the combat in the Final Fantasy VII remake. The first real boss fight is way too long, and the endless barrage of rapid-fire flashing lights and numbers gave me a headache that lasted for almost six hours.

After getting frustrated and restarting the game,  I set the combat to “classic” mode. Unfortunately, classic mode is a lie and doesn’t change anything. Or does it? I’m not sure. I still have no idea what’s going on during combat. Instead of “classic” or “easy” mode, I wish you could choose “everything moves just a fraction of a second slower” mode. I was talking with a friend this morning, and they also got a headache from the first boss fight. Do I perhaps need to start playing this game with UV glasses?

In any case, the reward for finishing the boss fight is an extended narrative segment in which Sephiroth shows up and almost immediately jumps into a villain monologue. I don’t want to go into the spoilery details about how this happens or what’s going on in the story, but it’s fun.

I do want to say, however, that Sephiroth Is Very Gay.

I’m not being facetious about this. The camera will do a close-up on Sephiroth’s lips, and then cut to a close-up of Cloud’s lips, and then cut back to Sephiroth’s eyes, and then jump to Cloud’s eyes, and Sephiroth is like, “Have you been dreaming about me,” and Cloud is like, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” and oh my goodness this goes on for at least three minutes. I’m not actually super into m/m ships, but wow. This scene was intense.

I also want to say that Barret’s voice actor, John Eric Bentley, is doing some work. I’m not sure how I feel about the work, but he sure is doing it. I’m not criticizing the actor, but it’s an odd role. Barret has always been my favorite character, and I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts as I continue playing.

My main thought about Barret at the moment is that he seems to be the only character with body hair, and oh man does he ever have body hair. When the Sector 1 reactor explodes and everything catches on fire, he gets super sweaty, as does his chest hair. I’m not complaining, but… Well, I’m definitely not complaining. It’s just that an actual human being on this actual earth had to create and animate these assets, and they clearly put a lot of love and care into the job, as did the person in charge of texturing Sephiroth’s lips.

I feel like we’re starting to climb out of the uncanny valley, and it’s wild.